This is the third post in my series on “The Caregivers’ Dilemma.” It’s that moment in time when you are confronted with whether to continue as the sole or primary caregiver for your loved one, or that you’ve run your race and you need either another primary caregiver, full-time help in your home (if you can afford it), or you need to place your loved one in a senior care facility.
It’s a dilemma that’s fraught with self-doubt, questioning, and guilt. It’s also one that many put off, sacrificing themselves for their loved ones.
In this series, I’m exploring aspects of it because I’m living it at the moment…
Dr. Dessy posted the following on LinkedIn—
Sometimes nothing changed in the patient.
The caregiver did.
And that’s when everything falls apart.
We talk about nursing home placement like it’s driven just by decline.
But often, the turning point looks different:
The wife can’t safely lift him anymore.
The daughter is exhausted.
The husband is now frail too.
The caregiver ends up in the hospital.
The person holding everything together…
can’t anymore.
And suddenly, home stops working.
Not because love changed.
Not because effort stopped.
But because the system was built on one person doing the work of many.
This is why placement happens even when someone seems “about the same.”
The patient may be stable.
The support system is not.
And when that system collapses, placement follows.
So I don’t just assess the patient.
I ask the caregiver:
How are you doing?
Are you sleeping?
What is this costing you physically?
When did you last see your own doctor?
What happens if you get sick?
Because caregiver capacity isn’t a side detail.
It’s often the deciding factor.
The real crisis isn’t always the older adult’s decline.
Sometimes it’s the collapse of the person who was making home possible.
My Thoughts
This post captures much of what I’m currently feeling. I’m feeling as if I can’t go on for much longer. My health is suffering because I’m exhausted, both physically and, more importantly, mentally and emotionally.
A part of me says that it’s only been 4 years. Why can’t you suck it up and keep trying to keep your business going, while taking care of your wife, and everything else? Why aren’t you…stronger?
But I’m not.
At least not while I’m writing this. Not today.
Take care of yourselves,
Bob.