This is the second post in my series on “The Caregivers’ Dilemma.” It’s that moment in time when you are confronted with whether to continue as the sole or primary caregiver for your loved one, or that you’ve run your race and you need either another primary caregiver, full-time help in your home (if you can afford it), or you need to place your loved one in a senior care facility.
It’s a dilemma that’s fraught with self-doubt, questioning, and guilt. It’s also one that many put off, sacrificing themselves for their loved ones.
In this series, I’m exploring aspects of it because I’m living it at the moment…
I saw this post by Lindsay Friedman and I found it so compelling that I want to share it and then some of my own reactions. Here’s the post—
The Lie We Tell Ourselves: ‘I’ll Never Put Them in a Home’
How many of us have said this?
“I’ll never put my mom in a nursing home.”
I’ve heard it from countless families. I’ve felt it myself. It comes from a place of deep love and loyalty. It feels like a promise we’re making to honor the person who raised us.
But here’s what I’ve learned: that promise, made with the best intentions, can become a trap.
When we draw a hard line before we understand what care actually requires, we back ourselves into corners. We end up providing care that damages our health, our marriages, our careers, and sometimes even our relationship with the person we’re trying to protect.
I’ve watched adult children destroy their bodies lifting a parent who needs two-person transfers. I’ve seen spouses go years without a full night’s sleep. I’ve sat with families who waited so long that by the time they sought help, they were in crisis themselves.
The truth is, sometimes the most loving choice is recognizing that your loved one needs more than you can safely provide.
That doesn’t mean abandoning them. It means finding the right level of care, whether that’s bringing professional help into the home, exploring assisted living, or yes, sometimes considering a skilled nursing facility.
The goal was never to do it all yourself. The goal was to make sure they’re cared for well.
What if instead of “I’ll never,” we said “I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure they’re safe and loved, even if that looks different than I imagined”?
That’s not breaking a promise. That’s keeping the one that actually matters.
Drop a comment below if you’ve wrestled with this. You’re not alone.
My Thoughts
I’m in this situation right now myself. I’m at the cusp of—
Burning out as a caregiver for my wife at home.
Looking for Memory Care alternatives for her.
Considering my previous experience with Assisted Living (see here).
Trying to figure out the timing of our next shift.
Trying to deal with the guilt and shame.
It’s an incredibly hard place to be. I think of myself on a razor’s edge that I never expected.
However, when I center and see things more clearly, I try to center on just two things:
I need to care for my wife, with love.
I need to care for myself, with love.
In balance.
Or in Lindsay’s wise words—
“I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure they’re safe and loved, even if that looks different than I imagined”
Take care of yourselves,
Bob.
So sad but true. I don't know if the answer even exists. It is a hard road for sure. Those who have family members willing to pitch in and help makes a big difference but for how long? I'm sorry you are going through this but many of us are right behind if not standing in your shoes. Pray for strength and the right situation to help you both.